The Web Sage

Are You keeping Score?

My father told me this story many years ago:  There was old farmer out west who sent for a mail-order bride.  When she arrived, he took his old mule and wagon into town, picked up his new bride, married her and headed home.

On the way home the mule stumbled, and the old man said ‘that’s one’.  A few miles down the road the old mule stumbled again and the old man said ‘that’s two’.  They continued home and just before they got to the farm, the old mule stumbled again.  The old man got out of the wagon, picked up his rifle and shot the old mule.  His new bridge screamed ‘that was an awful thing to do’.  The old man turned to his new bride and said ‘that’s one’.

Obviously, this old man is serious about keeping score.  If you are keeping track of the hurts your mate is inflicting on you or your relationship, you are keeping score too.  What do you plan to do with that score?  Are you going to be like the old farmer and when the score reaches three (or four, or five) get out your gun and shoot your mate?  Of course not!

More likely, you will bring up these hurts the next time you get into an argument about something totally unconnected to these hurts you have experienced.  This in turn will put your mate on the defensive (now you have him where you want him!).  And guess what.  He has a list too!

And what are you going to get for all your trouble? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!  All that time you spent storing those feelings away, planning what you were going to say.  What do you get for your trouble?  Just more hurt, more sorrow and probably less love.

So how do you solve this problem?  The same way you solve ANY interpersonal problem – Communication, communication, communication!  And a little self reflection wouldn’t hurt.  Examine your role in these issues including your attitude and the manner and tone of voice.  Norman Vincent Peale says ‘any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it’.

It’s true – it does take two to tango.

- Joe Freeman