Do You Fight Fair?

Let’s assume you are in a relationship (it could be a partner, spouse, lover).  Your partner does something that irritates you, and you ‘react’:

1 - Then your partner replies with a comment that you find offensive, given your present state of mind. 
2 - You escalate the issue by raising your voice and using animated body language. 
3 - Your partner is now trying to understand why you are attacking, becomes defensive, and begins to ‘react’ to your attack.
4 - You repeat steps 2 and 3 until finally neither of you can remember what caused the original irritation.

Prior to your ‘reaction’, the situation (disagreement, fight, ‘words’) is under control.  It depends on how you chose to react as to whether this situation can be resolved quickly without escalating into an uncontrollable knock down drag out fight!  Zig Ziglar says that ‘reacting breeds negativity, while responding breeds hope’.  Can you respond instead of reacting?  Can your partner respond instead of reacting?

‘Responding’ means taking responsibility for your actions.  Responding means thinking before acting or at least thinking soon after acting.  For example, you ‘react’ to a comment, and immediately you realize your current actions are not in the best interest of this relationship.  You now have a choice: continue to react or stop and respond.  You simply say ‘Excuse me, that did not come out correctly, what I wanted to say was ……. (here is where you respond)’.

I can tell you from personal experience that learning to respond is very difficult, yet can be very rewarding when you begin to apply the concept.  I have a natural tendency to ensure that when I think I am right, my partner needs to know that I am right, and agree with me. 

A few things to think about when you are trying to overcome the urge to react:

Is this issue important enough to be the center of controversy?
Is my need to be right more important than this relationship?
What am I going to gain by continuing this situation?
What I am going to lose if I continue with situation? 

If you are on the receiving end of an escalation, you are also responsible for choosing to react or respond  to that escalation (yes – it does take two to tango!).  You could choose to react (step 3 above) or you could choose to respond by asking your partner (lovingly), 'Are you sure you want to discuss this right now?''

If you cannot bring yourself to ‘respond’ to the issue, then you must be willing to be held responsible for initiating or escalating a situation that could have been settled amicably.  Think about it!

- Joe Freeman